The End of a Hot and Sexy Era

Yesterday was a sad day in the world of sports.  One of the best looking male athletes of my generation has retired, leaving his sport EVEN less interesting to watch... Tennis.  Now I consider myself quite the "sports enthusiast", but I can't lie and tell you it's hard for me to tear away from the TV when Tennis is on.  As a woman, seeing a man dripping with ungodly amounts of sweat, while knocking a neon ball back and forth over a net is not very sexy.  I mean, at least in baseball they wear tight pants, football they hit each other making you feel like they are "real men", and basketball and soccer involves so much running back and forth they usually at least have super hot bodies... But tennis, eh.  However, about 12 years ago a young hot-headed, hot-bodied, piece of eye candy came onto the scene, and finally made women want to stop and stare, that man was Andy Roddick.  Now some of you women may have no clue who he is, so to easier understand who I am referring to, Brooklyn Decker's husband.  I can see the proverbial light bulbs going on now.  Yes that stud who was always dressed nice in his Lacoste, and would sweat so much, you waited for him to wipe his brow with his shirt in hopes of catching a glimpse of his abs, he is no longer playing competitive tennis.  So what does all this mean you ask:

                                                              You are welcome ladies.

For Tennis: Probably the last decade's most well known AMERICAN face of the sport is retiring. 

For Women: The most attractive face EVER in the sport is retiring.

For Tennis: The once fastest serve ever recorded (155 mph) was hit by Andy, later superseded by some tall Croatian guy (Ivo Karlović)

For Women: There will no longer be cameos made by Brooklyn Decker and her super model friends in the crowd. 

For Tennis:  Some of the referees will be grateful there won't be as many insults thrown their way for bad calls.

For Women:  There won't be as many insults thrown at the referees in an effort to make tennis more interesting to watch.

                                    Tennis will never have this kind of talent in the crowd again.

So, if you are like me, and you barely tolerated tennis, unless you were watching this hunk grunt and sweat all over the court (whilst imagining him sweating and grunting elsewhere), then yesterday was a VERY sad day for you too.  The good news, I can't imagine Andy will be COMPLETELY out of the spotlight any time soon, especially while he keeps that hot little wifey of his on his arm, but the world of tennis is going to have to find a new bad boy, hot piece of ass if they have any hopes of retaining the 18-34 year old women demographic.  Until then, should our husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends decide we NEED to watch tennis, we will probably get stuck watching this ugly mug...

So thank You Andy Roddick, for making 12 years of tennis, a little more bearable.

The Trouble With Youth Today...

You know what is socially irresponsible... The "Lederhosen" uniform they used to make Six Flags employees wear.  Why, you ask?  Well for those of you who don't know the name "Six Flags" comes from the 6 different flags that have flown over our great state of Texas, based on who "ruled" over us at the time.  The 6 different flags are Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, The United States of America, and The Confederate States of America.  Nowhere in there do you see Germany, do you?  Then why do they force these poor high school kids to where these gnome costumes and pigtail braids?  No wonder our kids today are getting dumber and dumber, even amusement parks are teaching them incorrect information.  I mean if you wanted to be accurate have one guy wear a Matador costume(Spain), have someone not brush their teeth, shave their armpits, shower, or wear deodorant before coming to work (France).  Have one employee put his last name on a sticker written in Old English on his back windshield (Mexican), or another wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (Texas), while others march through the "Streets" of the park Whistling Dixie (Confederate).  As for the U.S.A. flag, well most park goers will cover that stereotype, wearing their fanny packs while shovelling thousands of calories of refined sugar and grease down their 350lb throat. 

On a similar note, you know what else is socially irresponsible, the word ORCA.  Why?  Imagine this scenario:

Tommy and his dad are riding to Sea World for the first time and Tommy's dad asks "Hey Tommy are you excited for Shamu?"  Tommy replies with "What's a Shamu?"  Tommy's dad properly explains that Shamu is a killer whale that they have trained to do tricks and perform in shows.  Tommy then asks "Well if they do all of those neat tricks and stuff why are they called KILLER whale?"  Tommy's dad goes on to explain that though they are fun to watch, they are still wild animals and yes, they do kill other animals either for food or when they think they are being threatened.

Jimmy and his dad are riding to Sea World for the first time and Jimmy's dad asks "Hey Jimmy are you excited for Shamu?"  Jimmy replies with "What's a Shamu?"  Jimmy's dad explains that Shamu is an ORCA that they have trained to do tricks and perform in shows.  Jimmy is so excited now because his dad has described ORCAS to be beautiful, majestic creatures, put on this Earth solely to entertain children at Sea World.

Now both families are sitting at the Shamu show in awe of how amazing the first 20 minutes has been.  As "Tanya" the whale trainer is standing up on the platform waiting for Shamu's big finale, Shamu is circling the bottom of the oversized tank getting pumped up.  "Tanya" blows her whistle to signal to Shamu that it is time to come up to the surface for the final trick, and nothing, he continues to circle.  "Tanya", being the great improviser that she is, starts looking out at the crowd as if to say "C'Mon guys HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, LOUDER!" and moves her hands in an upward motion to get the crowd into it.  She whistles again, and again, still no Shamu.  Then just as she turns her back to the tank to pump the crowd up some more, Shamu jumps up on the platform, grabs "Tanya" by her feet causing her to smack her face on the platform and drags her into the water.  Luckily Sea World has equipped the tank with viewing windows just so every child in the place can watch as Shamu drags her through the water like a rag doll.  He then pops his head out of the water and spits her to the platform, beaten and battered, like she was nothing but an empty sunflower seed shell.  Finally he submerges and goes on his way.

Now I know that was graphic and unfortunately stories like this one I made up have really happened.  But what happened to Tommy and Jimmy?  Well Jimmy's dad looks over to see his son's white face streaming with tears and 4 years later he is still seeking therapy.  While Tommy stood up and replied, "Wow what a great show Dad, but can we head over to the fat ass seals with the big teeth, I hear their show is HILARIOUS!"

The moral of the story... Be socially responsible.

Is it worth the savings...?

So I was pulling up to work today only to see a guy dancing like a maniac holding up a sign at the Daycare next door.  You know those people who hold the signs for the ghetto Insurance places or for the new home developments, that was this guy, only HIS sign was announcing that the daycare was offering 50% off on enrollment.  Now I wouldn't say I work in the ghetto, but this daycare is not one I would ever consider sending my kid to, and then they are offering their services 50% off?!?!?!  When it comes to my child, I may pay half off on a new onesie, but NOT on his child care.  That to me is almost as bad as buying underwear at a garage sale, you just don't do it!  So this got me thinking, I LOVE a good deal as much as the next girl, but there are SOME things I am just NOT willing to get discounted or 2nd hand.  A few of these things are...

1. UNDERWEAR- This is probably the most obvious, but when it comes to underwear I WILL NOT go discounted.  I mean if Victoria's Secret was having a sale that's one thing, but I can't even bring myself to buy underwear or bras from Marshall's or TJ Maxx, they just freak me out. 

2.  Food- Day Old bread, dented cans, and all other "harmed" food I can't do.  I know a lot of the dates on foods are the "Sell By" dates, but for me that date is the last day of consumption date.

3.  Hair Accessories- I definitely won't buy these used, and again I probably would have to refrain at a "Discount Store" as well.  You never know who's nasty hair a clip has been in, YUCK!

I am sure there are more that I can't think of right now, so you tell me, anything you wouldn't buy either at a discount store or used???

BOOOOO Soccer!

This entry is short and sweet, but I just have to say something...

I love sports, probably more than the average female, but I will NEVER get soccer, or the world's obsession with it.  I mean we are talking about a sport where people run around in circles for an hour straight and you could watch half the game before anyone even ATTEMPTS a shot at goal.  I mean come on, The Jonas Brothers try to score more often than these World Cup players, its ridiculous.  I went to a professional soccer game once and I was LITERALLY bored to tears.  The only positive thing I have found out of professional soccer is David Beckham and the fact that bars are open at 8am serving beer for watch parties.  I know its summer and sports are hard to come by, but I will be tuning into the U.S. Open this weekend, NOT the World Cup.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mom's 53rd birthday (she's going to kick my ass for telling you that), so I wanted to give her a shout out.  My mom is hands down the greatest woman I know.  She has worked her ass off for years to provide for us and she would give anyone the shirt off her back (I mean that figuratively, not literally, given the name of my blog I figured I needed to specify).  And like any Mother/Daughter pair we have our fights, and yes she drives me crazy OFTEN, but she's my mother and I love her.  Thanks to her I have my brains, my beauty, and my cellulite (just joking Mom... Sort of)!  She is the backbone of our crazy family, the one who brings us all together, the one who drives us all crazy, and the one none of us could live without.  So Happy Birthday Mom, I love you, here is to 53 more wild years!

Would You Rather of the Day...

I LOVE gay people and they love me! Mostly because I am totally open to the idea, I'm a big believer in "live and let live". I played softball my whole life so I learned about lesbians very early on and gay men tend to open up to me because I'm willing to listen. I ask for ALL of the details, details most of you won't want to hear about, but I love because I am a very nosey person. Plus I love when a guy can compliment me on my name brand jeans or ask me if my nail polish is "Lincoln Park After Dark"!!!  I had an ex-coworker who is gay and I was asking him all about his "coming out" to his family and he said I reminded him of his mom because she asked him right out if he was the "pitcher or the catcher"?  This got me thinking, as much as I love asking for all of the juicy details, I don't know if I would be able to ask my own son or daughter about their love life (no matter their sexual orientation).  So that brings me to a question for all of you...

Would you rather...



Have a gay son or a lesbian daughter?  As a mom I think I would prefer a gay son because he would be able to shop and gossip with me. We could dream of wearing Louboutins and go to Broadway shows together every time we visit New York.  It would be like having a daughter without having to pay for tampons! Plus he'd bring home cute,well dressed boys for me to stare at when I am an old cougar. On the flip side with my softball background, I am very comfortable with lesbians, but I think if I had a lesbian daughter, I would want a "Lipstick Lesbian"(again mostly for shopping purposes). If my husband (or any dad for that mattter) answered this question I think he would prefer a butch lesbian daughter who was into the "Lipstick Lesbian" type, because then he could still check out all of the hotties she brought home... So I present you with the same question, Would you rather have a gay son or a lesbian daughter?

Who Sings this again...?

I was listening to the radio yesterday and I have decided that like most rappers these days, I will start EVERY conversation with my name. You may ask, “What do you mean Jamie?” Allow me to explain.
I hear the DJ say (in corny radio DJ voice) “And next up we have Jason Derulo’s “In My Head”. The music begins and the first words out of Jason’s mouth (yes we are on a first name basis) were, “Jasoooooon Derulo…Oh, Oh”.  I mean there wasn't even 4 seconds between the DJ saying his name and then the singer AGAIN saying his name.  Who do they think they have listening, goldfish?  (For those of you who are unaware goldfish only have a 3 second memory span, so that was a funny joke).  Jason Derulo In My Head... Hear for yourself.
It got me thinking, I know who is singing the song, the DJ just said it, and had I listened to the song on my iPod I would have to know who sang it as well in order to download it (illegally). So why do R&B artists feel the need to announce their name at the beginning of every song? I would say it’s a guy thing, but I have heard Rihanna, Beyonce, and other females do the same.
Because I too am a narcissist (that’s a genetic trait, which was passed on to me from my mother, and to her from her mother MY GRANDMA) I have decided that from here on out I will start every conversation that same way.

Here is an example. I am sitting in my office with our assistant, and she asks me how my weekend was, I respond with:


(In a sing-song voice) “Jamieeeeeeeee Smith… OH ,OH… (back to normal voice) It was good I went to Target bought a new dress and wore it out on Friday night.”

I think it’s important to do this, just so no one ever forgets who they are talking to, don’t you think?

Welcome to "My Grandma the Whore"

So most of you are probably wondering why I have named my blog such a cruel and unusual name. Well if you must know, www.mygrandmotherwasmisunderstoodandcheatedonallthreeofherhusbands.blogspot.com was taken so here we are.


Really the name is twofold:

1. I have a marketing background, which helped in my realization that “My Grandma the Whore” is more likely to jump out at you than “Jamie Smith’s Blog”

2. I really do attribute most of the crazy shit that happens in my life either directly or indirectly to my Grandmother’s indiscretions. (Don’t worry this isn’t a blog about the life of a 76 year old lady).


You will also see sentences randomly written in bold-italic font. This is for those who were not blessed with the ability to pick up on sarcasm. I have learned via Facebook and Twitter that sarcasm doesn't translate well, so I have created my own sarcasm font. Note: The title of the blog itself is written in bold-italic.


I have no idea how often I will post, or if there will be any theme to the blog itself, but I hope you enjoy it.