10 Reasons Everyone Should VISIT Austin, from a real live Austinite

It seems as though every time I log onto Facebook or head over to Yahoo to read the news, I stumble across the latest list of the top places to live, and my own little Austin somehow ALWAYS tops the list.  Austin is the place to live if you are single or married, male or female, if you’re raising a family or never want kids, fresh out of college or about to retire.  Need a haircut?  Move to Austin.  Have 2 legs? Move to Austin. Either there is some secret experiment to see if we can get every single Californian inside Austin city limits by the year 2016, or Austin really is just THAT awesome.  So, as someone who was actually born and raised here (crazy right), who left for college and immediately came back, who has been single, married, not had kids, and now has kids, here are my 10 reasons everyone should VISIT Austin.

 

10. The Salt Lick

Is it the best BBQ in town, nope. But if you are here for a 3 day visit, do you really want to spend 2 of those days waiting in line for Franklin’s BBQ from 7am to 9pm the next day, only to find out they ran out of brisket, sausage, ribs, and turkey.  Enjoy your half slice of ham and day old beans. The Salt Lick is GOOD food, with a great atmosphere, and it’s BYOB, so you can party the way you want to. Plus, let’s not forget, most visitors (at least those from the northeast) have never even heard of brisket before, so they would probably be impressed if you took them to Bill Miller (I may have gone too far there)!!!  I can’t tell you how many of my friends have said, “oh so it’s just like steak cooked on a BBQ pit” when I try to describe brisket to them, so sad, but I digress. Back to the Salt Lick… Should there be a wait,  because you showed up at 6pm on a Saturday, sit on your cooler, pop open a beer, and listen to the live music they always have playing. Plus, who can pass up on all you can eat, open pit BBQ?

9. The Bats

The irony is not lost on me, that should we wake up to one single bat flapping around our apartment, or find one dead in our backyard, we all immediately run to update our rabies vaccines and begin to disinfect the entire neighborhood.  Bats are dirty and gross on their own, but by the millions???  Oh man, what a beautiful sight.  Seriously though, go see the bats, its pretty nuts.  According to Bat Conservation International,^[3] between 750,000 and 1.5 million bats reside underneath the Congress Ave. bridge (or to the Californians who just moved here last week, the “Lady Bird Johnson Bridge”) each summer. That’s a lot of guano! The nice thing is the bats go out in search of food (i.e. mosquitoes), which is really the only reason we let them hang around (do you like what I did there?).  So wear a hat and take some bug spray, while you sit and wait for the largest colony of rabid flying rats to disappear out of site.

8. Live Music

True Story: I once saw a man playing guitar and singing in a McDonald's in this town, and I don’t even think he was homeless.  Anywhere you go, on any given day, at any given time, you could run into some live music.  From some of the biggest names (this past weekend we had Kanye), to your 11 year old neighbor who plays every Thursday night at the local Ice Cream shop.  We have earned our nickname as “The Live Music Capital of the World”, so if you hate music (and obviously life), or you are looking to have a serious intimate conversation, stay home!  And in case hearing live music at bars and restaurants wasn’t enough, we have our next topic…

7. Festivals

I went away to college for 4 years, and upon my return I found Austin became very “Festive”!  We have ACL, SXSW, Bat Fest, Marley/Reggae Fest, Pecan Street Festival, Kite Fest, Chocolate Fest (YES this is real), we even have a “Keep Austin Weird” Festival!  Not to mention events like The Weenie Dog races in nearby Buda, Crawfish Festival, Food Trailer Festivals (see 6)… If you took a pretty extraordinary shit, we would create a festival to honor it every year, just to have one more reason to get outside, paint our kids faces, sell light up swords, and drink beer. http://austineventsandfestivals.com

 

6. Food Trailers

I’m not sure what genius created the first ever food trailer but bless him.  I mean, delicious gourmet food (in most cases), sold in self regulated quantities (get 1 taco or 24), and park multiple food options in one area for variety.  I was the person who loved buffets like Golden Corral or Ponderosa, not for the quality of food, but because I could get steak, stirs fry, turkey and dressing, and lasagna all in one place.  Food trailer parks are similar, only they won’t leave you popping Imodium for the next week AND the dessert trailers are WAY better than the ice cream made from powder served at the AYCE places! Can we say GORDOUGHS?!?!?!  http://www.foodtrailersaustin.com

5. Bars

Yup Bars.  We have a lot of them.  It used to be “6th Street” was the hottest place to be.  Now we have so many bars, we had to kick poor old people out of their homes to develop areas like Rainey Street.  There are country bars, urban bars, college bars, 30-something bars, bars on wheels (yes you can pedal and drink), bars with old playground equipment in back, rooftop bars, want to play Jenga in a bar? Ski Ball? you can… All the types of bars, we have, and the majority are laid back with no dress code and live music.  However, I have recently come across a bar or 2 where the bouncers are in suits and have ear pieces a la Vegas, and if you jump in the pool on the roof, they kick you out (why have a pool?)!  But they all serve booze, stay open until 2am, and are ready to serve just about anyone who might be of age. Plus being just a few blocks from each other, you can stumble from one to the other as you like! PSA: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE IN MY TOWN

4. Lakes

There is a place where boats can tie together, people share alcohol, women run topless, and beer bongs are hung from second story houseboat balconies to swimmers in the water below… No this is not the movie Inception, and I am not in your dreams, this place is REAL and you can find it at Lake Travis.  Though I just described a very specific location on Lake Travis, Devil’s Cove, most boaters on Lake Austin will tell you, their boat parties aren’t too different.  Fishing, wake boarding, skiing, tubing, jet skiing, all can be done on the over 60 miles of lake, as well as the aforementioned partying.  Need to walk your dog, go for a run, do some Stand Up Paddle Boarding, then head to Town Lake (“Lady Bird Lake” to the Californians), where fitness and beauty are as abundant as kids riding bikes and feeding ducks. Plus with 70+ degree temperatures 9 months a year, who wouldn’t want to be near the water?!

3. The Alamo Drafthouse

You can drink a beer, eat a pizza, and have the greatest milkshake ever, all while watching the newest movie to hit the box office or while participating in a Dirty Dancing quote along. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Need I say more? www.drafthouse.com

2. THE University of Texas

One of the greatest colleges in the history of ever.  Is it Fall/Autumn?  Go tailgate with hundreds of thousands of your closest friends, while eating BBQ out of a pit pulled behind a truck, drink beer, watch games in parking lots on 50 inch TV’s with satellites attached. When someone you have never met yells “TEXAS” you don’t think twice about putting your horns up and yelling right back “FIGHT”!!!  We know how to tailgate.

In the last 10 years Texas has had National Championships in Football, Swimming, Baseball, Volleyball, and Golf. Alumni greats include Earl Campbell, Roger Clemens, Cat Osterman, and Kevin Durant. Golf legends like Ben Crenshaw and Tom Kite, as well as new blood on the tour, Jordan Spieth. Go anywhere in town and you will see at least one person at every venue you stop at wearing some sort of Longhorn garb.  We are Texas, What starts here, changes the world!

And now the number one reason everyone should VISIT Austin is…

1. THE TRAFFIC!

That’s right.  Notice I have never said any of you should move here, but VISIT.  We have something like 110 people who move here a day, and we have yet to build one road to accommodate. Our traffic is horrible on a dry sunshiny day, so when it rains, dear Lord help us.  Oh and this past year we experienced something most of you know as “winter”, where the rain actually FROZE causing sheer panic and uproar.  This frozen rain was so dangerous, just the thought of it possibly falling, caused us to shut down the entire city.

So please, don’t move here, there’s no vacancy, and I don’t mean there aren’t homes (or condos) for you to live in, I mean there is absolutely no road available for you to drive on.  Visit if you must, and if you could plan your visit for a Friday through Sunday when school is out, that would be lovely.   

The Art of Balance

The Art of Balance

I had the pleasure of hearing a man named Andy Hill speak last week at a work conference (yes I do have a real job, sometimes).  He is a protege and past player for the great John Wooden (www.coachjohnwooden.com), and spent a lot of time with Coach Wooden in the latter years of his life.  Along with sharing Coach Wooden's "Pyramid of Success", the blueprint behind Coach Wooden's achievements, he spoke on one important factor that really rang true with me.  He said that in order to truly excel, not only in basketball, the sport he coached, but in life, his players needed to have BALANCE.  Now he wasn't referring to physical balance, but balancing their lives.  This man was arguably the greatest basketball coach ever, but he would never agree that basketball was NUMBER 1.  In this order he said it should be: Faith, Family, Friends, EDUCATION, THEN Basketball.  Teaching this "balance" to his players, his "students" as he referred to them, was key in the triumphs he had, and hearing this was eye opening for me.

You see, I too was a college athlete.  No I didn't play basketball at UCLA under the greatest coach ever (I let go of that dream after barely making the 8th grade B-Team), but I had a rigorous routine playing a Division 1 sport that took up a large portion of my time.  Now what I am going to say next MIGHT offend some people, but the truth hurts so here goes.  VERY, VERY, VERY few college athletes will ever go pro in their sport.  Try not to freak out, I know its heartbreaking, but it is the truth.  Now here is the real kicker, even fewer FEMALE athletes will go pro. AHHHHHHHH, I know it's so crazy!!! Let me share some statistics with you all compliments of www.businessinsider.com from an article posted in February of 2012:

Baseball: 11.6% of college players play professionally, 0.6% of high school players do

High school players: 471,025

College players: 31,264
Draftees: 806

Football: 1.7% of college players play professionally, 0.08% of high school players do

 

High school players: 1,108,441
College players: 67,887
Draftees: 255

Men's ice hockey: 1.3% of college players play professionally, 0.1% of high school players do

 

High school players: 36,912
College players: 3,944
Draftees: 11

Men's basketball: 1.2% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do

 

High school players: 545,844
College players: 17,500
Draftees: 48

Women's basketball: 0.9% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do

 

High school players: 438,933
College players: 15,708
Draftees: 32

So, as you can see, the numbers are small, and if you are female athlete playing ANYTHING but basketball, you can bet they are EVEN SMALLER!  What's my point? 

I personally know when I was playing softball in college, balance was NOT something my coach preached.  We used to joke that we were Athlete-Students, not Student-Athletes because we had to pick our course schedule around practice times, or weight lifting times, or conditioning times, even if it was the ONLY time they offered a specific course.  Remember the order Coach Wooden said: Faith, Family, Friends, Education, (insert sport here).  Most college coaches I know prefer the order of: Sport, Sport, Trainer, Sport, Education (only so you are eligible to play said sport), Sport.
There was a girl on my team my senior year who was going to miss a FALL practice (we play softball in the spring) to go home for her baby sister's First birthday.  Our coach wouldn't allow it.  Once we all told her she needed to let the girl go, she made her do 3 times the workout we did to make up for it.  Now, I don't want to pick on my college coach, because she is not the only one who coaches this way, I just thought that was a great example of putting Sports WAY ahead of Family (number 2 on Wooden's list).  I watched this kind of push from coaches, the push to obsess over one thing, your sport, ruin people's careers. Pushing them into injuries, burning out and quitting, or worse, pushing them so far that when their final season was over, they literally didn't know what to do or where to go.  They were literally lost without their sport.

I wish I could say college coaches are the only ones who incorporate a lack of balance with kids today, but that wouldn't be fair.  It's in high schools too, and even scarier, it's at home.  Did you know they now have Select/Travel teams for 6 year olds?!?!  SIX years old!!!  You wouldn't even be able to autograph a baseball at 6 years old (if they still taught cursive), so why on Earth do we have kids practicing 3 times a week and playing 6 -8 games a weekend when they are SIX!  Kids should be at home playing with FAMILY, FRIENDS, reading books, doing school work.  At six you don't know how to manage your time, you just think "My parents told me if I want to be in the big leagues like Derek Jeter, or XYZ player, I have to play select baseball 9 days a week, because that's what the pros did."  Let me start by saying, that is NOT what the pros did, because 20-30 years ago, parents would be lynched for letting their 6 year olds play select baseball.  We are brainwashing our children to believe that they have one thing and one thing only to live for, and that is their sport.  When we should be teaching them that HARD work gets you far, not necessarily MORE work.  I think back to our hour long weightlifting sessions in college and laugh.  We were 20 girls, at 6am, with a trainer who was half awake at best, messing around and going through the motions.  Now that I do Cross Fit, a sport that focuses on high intensity, full body workouts, I realize we literally threw that time in the weight room right out the window.  I can get far more out of a 20 minute Cross Fit workout, than I ever did in an hour in that weight room, because I am working harder not longer.

In high school I played with, literally, the top 5 best softball players in central Texas. I mean they were THE best and had been the BEST their whole lives. They ate, drank, and slept softball... DO you know how many of those 5 played all 4 years of college... 1. ONE! Because when you get to college, EVERYONE was the best in their area (except me), and that natural talent, that GIFT, isn't enough anymore, you have to work HARD to be the best now. But you still can't lose sight of the balance, and you cannot confuse working hard with working more.  I was NEVER the best player on the field.  Not in high school, and certainly not in college. Part of why I think I was able to excel was I NEVER made it my whole entire life.  I always had a social life. I partied, probably more than most teenagers should, I always had a job when I wasn't in season, and I was in other extracurricular activities (Theatre Arts, what what!).  I would like to think I had balance. (Humility is also a strong suit of mine).

I have been known to be a little stubborn, so when I got to college, I wasn't willing to change.  Did I still go to 6am weightlifting, followed by 5 hours of class, followed by practice, then mandatory study hall?  Yes, because even though I had balance, I loved the game, and had worked too hard not to do what I needed to in order to play. I was always willing to work hard during the time allotted for practice, but  I will also admit that I was rarely the one taking extra reps on my own, or spending extra time in the weight room. We were given summer workouts to do on our own, I didn't do them. That was my "off season", that was my "ME" time or social time, not softball time. And you can bet your ass that as soon as study hall was over each night, instead of going to bed, like many of my teammates, I shined up my fake ID, put on my tightest pair of jeans, and hit the bars with friends until 2-4am.  Then got up at 6am again the next day to do it again!  Was I tired, yes, was I hungover, often, but I never felt like I really missed out on anything, and because of that, softball was never a burden for me, and I knew when it was over, I would have other things in my life.

The problem is, if we teach these kids that this sport is all they are, or who they are... The day it ends, and it will end, they find themselves totally lost.  The best baseball player on our high school team got a scholarship to play at a great school, some things happened, he was kicked off the team, and never recovered.  He WAS baseball, without it, school didn't matter, he only did his work so he could play ball, it had become his identity to the point that when baseball was lost, so was he. It amazes me when I see people who were SO physically fit while playing their sport, and then they gain a lot of weight when it is over.  They literally have NO IDEA how to workout or stay in shape without the routine they were used to following while playing their sport, because that is all they ever knew.

Do we want that for our kids?  Do we want them to feel like without this one THING they aren't worthy?  Don't get me wrong, not a day goes by that I don't miss softball.  Not one single day.  There is nothing that compares to the relationships built and the amazing plays where you save the game and feel so elated, no drug could get you that high, and that I miss EVERY DAY.  Did a little part of me end when softball ended, sure, but it didn't end ME.  Not all of me.  I know that when one chapter ends another will begin.  I was a damn good bar league player for a few years, and now I have a son who this Spring will strap on his cleats for the first time and play.  Will he play Select/Travel tee-ball?  Absolutely not.  He will play the game, learn the game, go home and play with his Ninja Turtles, and go to birthday parties on the weekends, and if by the time he is 10 he still loves the game and wants to make a commitment to play it that often, he can.  But the moment his school work slips, or it interferes with family events, we will pull back.  I will not let him believe all he is is his sport, because he is so much more than that, and I want him to know he has more to live for than just his sport.  I want him to work hard and be committed to ANYTHING he does, but he has to be able to balance hard work with his sport, his school work, his relationships with family and friends, and most of all with God.

We wonder why we live in an age where kids feel entitled.  They have been told they were the best at this one thing their whole life, and when that one thing is over, they want to be told they are the best at some other thing, only there is no other thing, because they never took the time or energy to work on anything else. It's our job as parents, as teachers, as coaches to be sure these kids know there is more out there.  If we push them to believe that their sport is the number one top priority, they will believe that, and then when that sport is over, where will they be?  What will they have left? We need to teach them that you can be a really great baseball player, and father, and brother, and youth group leader, and teacher, and on and on... No one ever said we all only get "one thing" to be great at, it's about learning to work hard at anything and everything you do, and from that all encompassing hard work comes balance.

Now ask yourself, do you have balance?

An Open Letter to Time Warner Cable...

So I know I haven't "blogged" in like 300 years, but this was far too long to be your average Facebook post...

What in God's name is the deal with Time Warner Cable?  How in the world in this piece of shit, poorly run company still in business?  I thought the government tried to prevent monopolies, but apparently I was very misinformed.  They literally have a monopoly on my entire zip code (and I am sure others), which is my only guess as to why they are still around.  Their TV service is stupid, no one uses home phones, and their Internet is slow, yet if I need the Internet at my house (which in 2013 I DO), I HAVE to use them.  Let me start from the beginning (well of today's story at least):

My husband gets a call that our Internet is going to get shut off for a past due bill.  Something I find very odd, considering I use auto bill-pay and my $56 was just drafted on the 8th, so I call.  After talking to an ESL* employee about my concerns, I was transferred to "Customer Care", a department, in my humble opinion, should change their name to "Customer, we don't give a shit".  The representative, (who I have appropriately named "Jeremy the douche"), in a very demeaning way, explains to me that the price of my monthly bill has gone up by $12 as of July 1st because my "promotion" has ended.  Now, I don't know why they think paying $56 a month for slow Internet that only works in 3 of the 8 rooms of my house is a "promotion", but again seeing how half the company doesn't speak English, perhaps they were confused by what that word actually means.  I then asked why I was paying for a "bundle" with basic cable attached, if I don't use their shit cable, I proudly pay for Direct TV (another company that could use some tweaking, but far more glorious to work with than these twits).  He smugly replied with this (not exaggerating at all): "My guess is whenever you or your husband called in (which is a joke, my husband doesn't even schedule his own doctor's appointments, let alone handle bills) the conversation probably went something like this 'You could get just the turbo Internet for $79, or you can get the bundle with turbo Internet AND our shit basic cable for $49', at which point you or your husband probably thought 'wow, that's cheaper, I will do the bundle.' That's PROBABLY how the conversation went..."  Thanks DICK, I know how it went, I am just curious how I signed up for a $49 "bundle" and somehow I have $77 bills coming my way.  Oh that's right, because TWC is notorious for their incessant fees.  I swear if you look at the line items on your bill (which if you sign up for online bill pay, you can't see any line items... another way to screw you), you will see a tax for everything. 

Being Blonde: $2.13
Breathing Oxygen: $3.17
Born in July: $5.22

He then told me that it's customary for any and all service companies to do these "promotions" where at some arbitrary time they just raise the price on you, no notice necessary.  You know why it's "customary" Time Warner?  Because you bullies came into the marketplace and made it customary.  That is exactly what they are, monopolizing bullies.  Is it SO crazy that I want to call in, get a nice normal person on the phone, tell them I want the fastest Internet service available for $50-$60 per month, and not have to worry about the price changing every 6-12 months? Or ask for a $50-$60 service, only to find a bill that is $75 because of unreasonably ridiculous taxes and fees?  "Jeremy the douche" literally told me that I can expect my price to go up $10-$12 every July, and I just have to deal with that, seriously?!?! How and why is that fair? They aren't doing $10-$12 more work than they did last year, in fact, they are probably doing less. Meanwhile, if you are a "new customer" who joins, YOU get these amazing "promotional" prices, but loyal customers, who they should be trying to retain get screwed.  But again, they aren't worried about retention, and that's for one reason and one reason only... M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y.  I am not talking about the board game, or for the fatter people reading, the fun stickers on your XXXL fries at McDonald's, no I mean they CONTROL the market. They know that people much like myself literally don't have one other option, because if we did, we sure as hell would not be with them. 

I posted this Facebook status earlier today: "If there were one free day, to do ANYTHING illegal with no repercussions... I would ABSOLUTELY use it to burn ALL Time Warner Cable locations to the ground."  IMMEDIATELY it was flooded with likes and comments of friends saying things like "I would help you carry the gas cans."
"Let me know if you need a driver."
"Don't even get me started on TWC."

Obviously I am not the first or last person who feels this company's lack of integrity and service is wrong and unjust, but they know we need Internet to function (for most jobs today) and they know they are the only place we can get it, so they prey on us, the lowly consumer. 

Perhaps if this blog post gets shared around, more and more people will realize they aren't the only ones who have been kicked in the shin by Time Warner's steal-toed boots.  It's not right, it's not fair, and something should be done.  If nothing else, please Buda, TX (specifically the entire 78610 zip code), PLEASE get us another Internet provider and quick.  I would LITERALLY pay $200 a month for dial up Internet speeds with a company who forces small children to run their facilities 20 hours a day, because even that company probably has more integrity than Time Warner Cable.


* ESL- The acronym for "English as a Second Language"; and undoubtedly a requirement to work in the first line of call screeners for Time Warner Cable.

The End of a Hot and Sexy Era

Yesterday was a sad day in the world of sports.  One of the best looking male athletes of my generation has retired, leaving his sport EVEN less interesting to watch... Tennis.  Now I consider myself quite the "sports enthusiast", but I can't lie and tell you it's hard for me to tear away from the TV when Tennis is on.  As a woman, seeing a man dripping with ungodly amounts of sweat, while knocking a neon ball back and forth over a net is not very sexy.  I mean, at least in baseball they wear tight pants, football they hit each other making you feel like they are "real men", and basketball and soccer involves so much running back and forth they usually at least have super hot bodies... But tennis, eh.  However, about 12 years ago a young hot-headed, hot-bodied, piece of eye candy came onto the scene, and finally made women want to stop and stare, that man was Andy Roddick.  Now some of you women may have no clue who he is, so to easier understand who I am referring to, Brooklyn Decker's husband.  I can see the proverbial light bulbs going on now.  Yes that stud who was always dressed nice in his Lacoste, and would sweat so much, you waited for him to wipe his brow with his shirt in hopes of catching a glimpse of his abs, he is no longer playing competitive tennis.  So what does all this mean you ask:

                                                              You are welcome ladies.

For Tennis: Probably the last decade's most well known AMERICAN face of the sport is retiring. 

For Women: The most attractive face EVER in the sport is retiring.

For Tennis: The once fastest serve ever recorded (155 mph) was hit by Andy, later superseded by some tall Croatian guy (Ivo Karlović)

For Women: There will no longer be cameos made by Brooklyn Decker and her super model friends in the crowd. 

For Tennis:  Some of the referees will be grateful there won't be as many insults thrown their way for bad calls.

For Women:  There won't be as many insults thrown at the referees in an effort to make tennis more interesting to watch.

                                    Tennis will never have this kind of talent in the crowd again.

So, if you are like me, and you barely tolerated tennis, unless you were watching this hunk grunt and sweat all over the court (whilst imagining him sweating and grunting elsewhere), then yesterday was a VERY sad day for you too.  The good news, I can't imagine Andy will be COMPLETELY out of the spotlight any time soon, especially while he keeps that hot little wifey of his on his arm, but the world of tennis is going to have to find a new bad boy, hot piece of ass if they have any hopes of retaining the 18-34 year old women demographic.  Until then, should our husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends decide we NEED to watch tennis, we will probably get stuck watching this ugly mug...

So thank You Andy Roddick, for making 12 years of tennis, a little more bearable.

The Trouble With Youth Today...

You know what is socially irresponsible... The "Lederhosen" uniform they used to make Six Flags employees wear.  Why, you ask?  Well for those of you who don't know the name "Six Flags" comes from the 6 different flags that have flown over our great state of Texas, based on who "ruled" over us at the time.  The 6 different flags are Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, The United States of America, and The Confederate States of America.  Nowhere in there do you see Germany, do you?  Then why do they force these poor high school kids to where these gnome costumes and pigtail braids?  No wonder our kids today are getting dumber and dumber, even amusement parks are teaching them incorrect information.  I mean if you wanted to be accurate have one guy wear a Matador costume(Spain), have someone not brush their teeth, shave their armpits, shower, or wear deodorant before coming to work (France).  Have one employee put his last name on a sticker written in Old English on his back windshield (Mexican), or another wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (Texas), while others march through the "Streets" of the park Whistling Dixie (Confederate).  As for the U.S.A. flag, well most park goers will cover that stereotype, wearing their fanny packs while shovelling thousands of calories of refined sugar and grease down their 350lb throat. 

On a similar note, you know what else is socially irresponsible, the word ORCA.  Why?  Imagine this scenario:

Tommy and his dad are riding to Sea World for the first time and Tommy's dad asks "Hey Tommy are you excited for Shamu?"  Tommy replies with "What's a Shamu?"  Tommy's dad properly explains that Shamu is a killer whale that they have trained to do tricks and perform in shows.  Tommy then asks "Well if they do all of those neat tricks and stuff why are they called KILLER whale?"  Tommy's dad goes on to explain that though they are fun to watch, they are still wild animals and yes, they do kill other animals either for food or when they think they are being threatened.

Jimmy and his dad are riding to Sea World for the first time and Jimmy's dad asks "Hey Jimmy are you excited for Shamu?"  Jimmy replies with "What's a Shamu?"  Jimmy's dad explains that Shamu is an ORCA that they have trained to do tricks and perform in shows.  Jimmy is so excited now because his dad has described ORCAS to be beautiful, majestic creatures, put on this Earth solely to entertain children at Sea World.

Now both families are sitting at the Shamu show in awe of how amazing the first 20 minutes has been.  As "Tanya" the whale trainer is standing up on the platform waiting for Shamu's big finale, Shamu is circling the bottom of the oversized tank getting pumped up.  "Tanya" blows her whistle to signal to Shamu that it is time to come up to the surface for the final trick, and nothing, he continues to circle.  "Tanya", being the great improviser that she is, starts looking out at the crowd as if to say "C'Mon guys HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, LOUDER!" and moves her hands in an upward motion to get the crowd into it.  She whistles again, and again, still no Shamu.  Then just as she turns her back to the tank to pump the crowd up some more, Shamu jumps up on the platform, grabs "Tanya" by her feet causing her to smack her face on the platform and drags her into the water.  Luckily Sea World has equipped the tank with viewing windows just so every child in the place can watch as Shamu drags her through the water like a rag doll.  He then pops his head out of the water and spits her to the platform, beaten and battered, like she was nothing but an empty sunflower seed shell.  Finally he submerges and goes on his way.

Now I know that was graphic and unfortunately stories like this one I made up have really happened.  But what happened to Tommy and Jimmy?  Well Jimmy's dad looks over to see his son's white face streaming with tears and 4 years later he is still seeking therapy.  While Tommy stood up and replied, "Wow what a great show Dad, but can we head over to the fat ass seals with the big teeth, I hear their show is HILARIOUS!"

The moral of the story... Be socially responsible.

Is it worth the savings...?

So I was pulling up to work today only to see a guy dancing like a maniac holding up a sign at the Daycare next door.  You know those people who hold the signs for the ghetto Insurance places or for the new home developments, that was this guy, only HIS sign was announcing that the daycare was offering 50% off on enrollment.  Now I wouldn't say I work in the ghetto, but this daycare is not one I would ever consider sending my kid to, and then they are offering their services 50% off?!?!?!  When it comes to my child, I may pay half off on a new onesie, but NOT on his child care.  That to me is almost as bad as buying underwear at a garage sale, you just don't do it!  So this got me thinking, I LOVE a good deal as much as the next girl, but there are SOME things I am just NOT willing to get discounted or 2nd hand.  A few of these things are...

1. UNDERWEAR- This is probably the most obvious, but when it comes to underwear I WILL NOT go discounted.  I mean if Victoria's Secret was having a sale that's one thing, but I can't even bring myself to buy underwear or bras from Marshall's or TJ Maxx, they just freak me out. 

2.  Food- Day Old bread, dented cans, and all other "harmed" food I can't do.  I know a lot of the dates on foods are the "Sell By" dates, but for me that date is the last day of consumption date.

3.  Hair Accessories- I definitely won't buy these used, and again I probably would have to refrain at a "Discount Store" as well.  You never know who's nasty hair a clip has been in, YUCK!

I am sure there are more that I can't think of right now, so you tell me, anything you wouldn't buy either at a discount store or used???

BOOOOO Soccer!

This entry is short and sweet, but I just have to say something...

I love sports, probably more than the average female, but I will NEVER get soccer, or the world's obsession with it.  I mean we are talking about a sport where people run around in circles for an hour straight and you could watch half the game before anyone even ATTEMPTS a shot at goal.  I mean come on, The Jonas Brothers try to score more often than these World Cup players, its ridiculous.  I went to a professional soccer game once and I was LITERALLY bored to tears.  The only positive thing I have found out of professional soccer is David Beckham and the fact that bars are open at 8am serving beer for watch parties.  I know its summer and sports are hard to come by, but I will be tuning into the U.S. Open this weekend, NOT the World Cup.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mom's 53rd birthday (she's going to kick my ass for telling you that), so I wanted to give her a shout out.  My mom is hands down the greatest woman I know.  She has worked her ass off for years to provide for us and she would give anyone the shirt off her back (I mean that figuratively, not literally, given the name of my blog I figured I needed to specify).  And like any Mother/Daughter pair we have our fights, and yes she drives me crazy OFTEN, but she's my mother and I love her.  Thanks to her I have my brains, my beauty, and my cellulite (just joking Mom... Sort of)!  She is the backbone of our crazy family, the one who brings us all together, the one who drives us all crazy, and the one none of us could live without.  So Happy Birthday Mom, I love you, here is to 53 more wild years!

Would You Rather of the Day...

I LOVE gay people and they love me! Mostly because I am totally open to the idea, I'm a big believer in "live and let live". I played softball my whole life so I learned about lesbians very early on and gay men tend to open up to me because I'm willing to listen. I ask for ALL of the details, details most of you won't want to hear about, but I love because I am a very nosey person. Plus I love when a guy can compliment me on my name brand jeans or ask me if my nail polish is "Lincoln Park After Dark"!!!  I had an ex-coworker who is gay and I was asking him all about his "coming out" to his family and he said I reminded him of his mom because she asked him right out if he was the "pitcher or the catcher"?  This got me thinking, as much as I love asking for all of the juicy details, I don't know if I would be able to ask my own son or daughter about their love life (no matter their sexual orientation).  So that brings me to a question for all of you...

Would you rather...



Have a gay son or a lesbian daughter?  As a mom I think I would prefer a gay son because he would be able to shop and gossip with me. We could dream of wearing Louboutins and go to Broadway shows together every time we visit New York.  It would be like having a daughter without having to pay for tampons! Plus he'd bring home cute,well dressed boys for me to stare at when I am an old cougar. On the flip side with my softball background, I am very comfortable with lesbians, but I think if I had a lesbian daughter, I would want a "Lipstick Lesbian"(again mostly for shopping purposes). If my husband (or any dad for that mattter) answered this question I think he would prefer a butch lesbian daughter who was into the "Lipstick Lesbian" type, because then he could still check out all of the hotties she brought home... So I present you with the same question, Would you rather have a gay son or a lesbian daughter?

Who Sings this again...?

I was listening to the radio yesterday and I have decided that like most rappers these days, I will start EVERY conversation with my name. You may ask, “What do you mean Jamie?” Allow me to explain.
I hear the DJ say (in corny radio DJ voice) “And next up we have Jason Derulo’s “In My Head”. The music begins and the first words out of Jason’s mouth (yes we are on a first name basis) were, “Jasoooooon Derulo…Oh, Oh”.  I mean there wasn't even 4 seconds between the DJ saying his name and then the singer AGAIN saying his name.  Who do they think they have listening, goldfish?  (For those of you who are unaware goldfish only have a 3 second memory span, so that was a funny joke).  Jason Derulo In My Head... Hear for yourself.
It got me thinking, I know who is singing the song, the DJ just said it, and had I listened to the song on my iPod I would have to know who sang it as well in order to download it (illegally). So why do R&B artists feel the need to announce their name at the beginning of every song? I would say it’s a guy thing, but I have heard Rihanna, Beyonce, and other females do the same.
Because I too am a narcissist (that’s a genetic trait, which was passed on to me from my mother, and to her from her mother MY GRANDMA) I have decided that from here on out I will start every conversation that same way.

Here is an example. I am sitting in my office with our assistant, and she asks me how my weekend was, I respond with:


(In a sing-song voice) “Jamieeeeeeeee Smith… OH ,OH… (back to normal voice) It was good I went to Target bought a new dress and wore it out on Friday night.”

I think it’s important to do this, just so no one ever forgets who they are talking to, don’t you think?